


Victory and Defeat (Lip Sync Comforts Epilogue)

by doctorbuffypotterlock79



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Eating Disorders, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-11
Updated: 2019-04-11
Packaged: 2020-01-11 17:51:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18429089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doctorbuffypotterlock79/pseuds/doctorbuffypotterlock79
Summary: Sutan is worried Karl will hate him after he wins Drag Race and the two talk about their friendship. This is kind of an epilogue to “Lip Sync Comforts”, but it can be read on its own. Someone suggested doing a scene with Sutan and Karl after Raja beats Manila in the final lip sync and I ran with it.*There is mention of eating disorders, self-hate, anxiety, and depression, so please proceed with caution.*





	Victory and Defeat (Lip Sync Comforts Epilogue)

**Author's Note:**

> This is a little dark and super angsty, but I hope the softness makes up for it. Special shout-out to Lilith_666 for commenting this suggestion! As always, feedback and comments are welcome and greatly appreciated!

Raja felt like she was dreaming. 

She had just been announced America’s Next Drag Superstar, and she kept expecting someone to jump out and yell that this was all a joke. She brought her hands up to her face, ugly crying as she slowly grasped the reality: she had won. 

All those years of struggling to feel confident, to feel beautiful, and here she was, crowned for her fierceness. It had taken her a long time to get to this point, and it was all her wildest fantasies come to life. 

She removed her hands and turned to her side. Oh no. _Manila._ The one thing Raja hadn’t been counting on. She thought she could just waltz in the workroom, kick everyone’s asses, and waltz back out. She never expected becoming as close as she had with Manila, and while she was glad to have been with her until the end, it made this a lot harder than it would have been against any other queen. 

She smiled widely at Manila, whose sad face eventually turned into a smile as Raja walked over to embrace her. 

“Congratulations,” Manila whispered, tears still in her voice. Raja wrapped her arms tightly around her, shaking with sobs. She wished she could have stayed there longer, but knew she had to pull away. 

Raja struggled to clear her head as Ru praised Manila and the younger queen left the stage. She wanted to remember this, her whole body buzzing and alive. 

She accepted her diamond crown from Ru and began to walk the runway as fiercely as she ever had. 

Even as she strutted around the stage in her crown, there was one nagging thought at the back of her mind that she couldn’t quite shake: _Manila hates you._  
\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Sutan was probably more nervous about this than he was about the final lip sync against Manila. 

They had decided to meet for coffee before they headed their separate ways. It was the first time they would be properly together since he had won Drag Race mere days ago, and Sutan had been awake since 2 am in a state of pure anxiety over seeing his friend. He figured he had gotten about ten total hours of sleep in the past three days, and as much as he desperately wanted caffeine, he sipped at decaf coffee because he was jittery enough already. 

He was excited to see Karl and just talk, without the pressure of challenges running through them. But he couldn’t deny his fear. He was sure Karl hated him after the finale and was worried he was about to lose his friend. Sutan bounced his leg, smiling to himself as he thought that Karl was usually the hyperactive one while he was normally very still. 

The door finally opened and Karl entered, partially-blond hair a little messy but otherwise looking fine for someone who had lost a major competition recently. Sutan’s heart fluttered with excitement and his body tingled with happiness, not fear, upon seeing Karl. 

Karl got his coffee and made his way over to the small table in the back. 

“Hey,” he said cheerfully. 

“Hey.”

Karl shoved a fist in Sutan’s face and put on his best announcer voice, in a whisper so no one overheard. “So tell us, how does it feel to be America’s Next Drag Superstar?”

“Um,” Sutan faltered. Maybe it was the exhaustion, but he couldn’t think of anything to say. He had none of his normal confidence or sass and felt like he couldn’t even think properly now that Karl was in front of him. 

“Girl, the best you can do is “um”? Is something wrong?” There was a joking tone to his voice, but Sutan knew there was genuine concern in Karl’s eyes.

“No, I-I feel great. I’m just a little tired. This...this is the best I’ve ever felt in my life. I still can’t believe it happened, you know?” he tried to play off his worry and it seemed like Karl bought it. 

“I know. This whole thing doesn’t even seem real. I’m excited to go home, but it’s also kind of weird. Like home hasn’t even existed this whole time. It’s gonna be strange to be back.”

“I know what you mean. It’s hard to believe there’s a world outside the workroom,” Sutan agreed. That workroom, hotel, and stage have been the only things in the world for them up to this point. He couldn’t even grasp that they were freely having coffee right now. 

“What’s the first thing you’re gonna do when you get home?” Karl asked eagerly. 

“Honestly, I just want to go home and sleep in my own bed. I’m so fucking exhausted it’s not even funny,” Sutan confessed. 

The sound of Karl’s snorting laughter made him smile. “You truly are an old man, bitch. Fantasizing about going to bed! Not gonna lie, I’m excited to see my bed too. But I won’t be doing much sleeping, if you catch my drift,” Karl winked and Sutan groaned. 

“We get it, bitch. You’re gonna go home and get laid. No need to announce it to everyone,” Sutan said, both of them laughing now. 

_Why was Karl so casual and cheerful?_ Sutan thought. _He hasn’t even mentioned being upset about losing, and he certainly doesn’t look it. Maybe he wants you to bring it up first and then he’ll tell you off._

Sutan sighed and tried to get himself ready for what he had to do. He figured he should just get it over with, find out how much Karl hated him, and prepare for the end of their friendship. 

“Karl, I’m sorry. You must hate me.”

“What are you talking about? Why would I hate you?” Karl asked, genuinely confused. 

Sutan felt some hope at Karl’s confusion. _Maybe he’s okay,_ he thought. _Maybe he doesn’t hate me._ Another part of his mind chimed in. _Of course he hates you. You took the title on him and think he still likes you?_

“I-I just thought...since I beat you, that you would hate me. I thought the whole reason you agreed to meet me was so you could tell me to fuck off and say you didn’t want to be friends anymore,” Sutan explained, as Karl went from confused to slightly sad. “But now I’m starting to think it was all just in my head,” Sutan mumbled, as Karl clearly had no anger at all toward him.

“Oh honey, of course not! I was a little mad and upset at first, but not at you! It’s a competition, girl. You don’t have to apologize for winning,” Karl said firmly, the familiar words making Sutan think of the post-lip sync pep talks they had given each other. It felt like it could have been a lifetime ago or hours ago.

Karl continued, taking Sutan out of his thoughts. “Please don’t feel bad! I don’t want you to feel bad over this. You killed it, every day, and you deserved to win. Obviously I wish I could have won, but I’m happy for you. I know how hard you worked and how much you wanted it. Don’t ever feel like you don’t deserve this, because you do. If it had to be anyone other than me, I’m glad it was you. Besides, I kind of knew deep down I didn’t have a chance against you.”

“But you did! You were right up there with me until the end. We won the same number of challenges. Sometimes I doubted if I could win it, that’s how you good you were,” Sutan said honestly. He remembered nights where he barely slept, just stayed awake and stared at the ceiling, doubting himself and whether he could win. 

Karl shook his head and smiled kindly. “You’re just so _perfect,_ Sutan. And you don’t even have to try. Whether you’re you or Raja, you’re so far above the rest of us, above me. I mean right now you look like shit, I can tell you haven’t been sleeping, and you still look like you came out of a magazine. I just can’t compete with that. I’ll always be inferior next to you and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

“Karl...first of all, please don’t say that about yourself. You’re beautiful, and amazing, and you’re an unbelievable performer. I don’t ever want you to feel inferior to me. I’m sorry if I’ve done anything to make you feel like that. I know…” he paused, unsure if he really wanted Karl to know the side of him he was about to reveal. “I know what I do seems effortless, but I just want you to know that it’s not.”

“What do you mean?” Karl asked curiously. 

“It...it’s taken me a long time to get to where I am now. To feel beautiful and actually like myself. I never used to feel beautiful. Sometimes I wouldn’t eat. For days at a time, I just wouldn’t eat. I would stare at myself in the mirror and wonder why I couldn’t look how I wanted. I convinced myself that I was fat, and ugly, and didn’t deserve to eat because I wasn’t worth it. Karl, there were days...sometimes there are still days now, where I wake up and just feel worthless, like nothing I do is good enough. Days where I have to make myself eat. It’s taken me a long time to get past the worst of it, but I did. I can look at myself now and actually feel beautiful.” Fuck, he’s crying, and he didn’t even want to say that much, but once he started he couldn’t stop. He hadn’t talked like that in so long and it felt good to admit it, to acknowledge that he had overcome it, even if he still had some bad days. 

“Oh honey, I’m so sorry.” Karl reached over and took his hand, and Sutan saw the younger man was crying too. Sutan’s mind began to spiral and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. _Great, now you made him cry and pity you and he knows how fucked up you are and he won’t want to be friends anymore and-_

“Sutan, I think you’re hyperventilating. Can you breathe a little slower? Hey, just breathe with me. Nice and slow,” Karl coached gently. 

Sutan forced himself to match Karl’s breaths. They breathed slowly together for what seemed like hours until his breathing was back to normal and he felt somewhat calmer. 

“You okay?” Karl asked, and Sutan nodded, unable to trust his voice but also marvelling at Karl’s ability to make him feel calm. Karl had calmed him down and talked him off the ledge several times in this competition, and something about him just made Sutan feel safe. 

They sat in silence, Sutan still composing himself and Karl a little apprehensive about what to say next. 

“I’m sorry that you had to go through all that. But I’m really proud of you for making it through, and I’m glad you’re doing better now,” Karl ventured cautiously. 

“It’s a lot better now. Honestly. Before it was just bad day after bad day, maybe one good day thrown in. But now, I’m mostly good. Just some bad days here and there. I’m happy, Karl, happy with my life and myself, and there were times I never thought I’d feel that way. And I’m so happy I met you,” he said, and he meant it. He couldn’t imagine getting through the stress of the competition without Karl by his side, could barely comprehend returning to a life where Karl wasn’t just a few feet away. 

“Sutan, you’re probably one of the best friends I’ve ever had. I know it’s only been a little while, and it’s cliche as hell, but I feel like I’ve known you for a long time. And I know we won’t see each other every day after this, but you better know that I’m always here for you. I care about you, and whenever you’re having a bad day, or you get in your head too much, or you need someone to talk to, just call me. I don’t care what time it is, I’ll listen. I didn’t get a crown out of all this, but I got you, and fuck, I’m really grateful you’re my friend.” 

“Damn, girl, you’re gonna make me cry again,” Sutan tried to smile, but he felt overwhelmed with warmth and love after hearing how Karl cared about him and still wanted to be his friend. He had spent so long doubting himself and struggling to see his own value that he couldn’t believe someone else could see it. He knew Karl's love couldn't magically solve all his problems, but it was nice to know he would always be there. 

“You’re amazing, Sutan. Really. And it must be hard for you to still feel that way sometimes and I wish I could just hug you and make you feel better, but I know that’s not gonna work. I also know you don’t really like to ask for help, but you better, girl. I mean it,” Karl smiled but his tone was deadly serious, and Sutan couldn’t believe he had ever doubted Karl’s friendship. 

“I will. I promise I’ll call you if I’m having a hard time with anything. And you can call me too, you know. Thank you, Karl. You’re such a great friend, and I want to make sure you know that. You know how to make people feel good and you’re just...special. You’re so talented and beautiful and I’m glad I met you. Hell, the money’s great, but you’re a prize yourself, Karl. Don’t ever think any different.”

Karl flushed a brilliant red and Sutan was hit with a wave of joy and gratitude that he had the younger man in his life. He didn’t know what force in the universe had allowed them to be on Drag Race at the same time, but he would never stop being thankful for it. 

“I’ll be in New York in a few weeks, you know. A friend of mine has a show I said I’d go to. If you wanted to meet up or anything.”

“Of course I do! Girl, you’re stuck with me now! Don’t think you’re ever getting rid of me!” Karl laughed. 

“Don’t worry. I’d never want to,” the older man laughed along with him, but he felt the truth of the words deep inside him. He didn’t want to ever be without Karl. 

Sutan let himself relax in the warmth and happiness of Karl’s presence. He knew that when their goodbye eventually came, it wouldn’t be goodbye at all.


End file.
